THE TEN WORST SPORTS MOVIES OF ALL TIME - Part 1 » sportvent.com
Top 10 Worst Sports Movies of All Time (part 1)
By Matt Minucci
So, I was watching Rocky Balboa the other day. It was
decent. Not a bad way for the franchise to go out on. But I got to thinking…always
a dangerous proposition…there are some great sports movies out there. But there
are an even more, astounding number of bad sports movies out there. Really bad.
These movies are what drove Mike Phelps to this.
It’s tough in a list to narrow things down to just 10
movies. So feel free to disagree with me. In fact, I’d welcome comments with
some of your favorite horrendous sports movies. Some which I considered, but
which ultimately didn’t make this list: The Babe with John Goodman, Fear
Strikes Out, Summer Catch, Rookie of the Year, Major League III, Slapshot 2 and
Like Mike. Don’t get me wrong, these are all terrible movies. But I found ten I
loathe even more.
These movies are awesome!
Without further ado: The 10 worst sports movies of all time,
numbers 10 thru 6:
10. MVP (2000)
Not only is he strong enough to rip you to shreds, now he has a beat stick.
Uh. Well, let’s start with what MVP actually stands for. In
this movie, it stands for Most Valuable Primate. Everything’s better with
monkeys – at least that’s what I told myself as I sat down to watch this
steaming pile of monkey crap. Actually, it’s pretty much a given, if you’re
making a movie about monkeys, unless they’re enslaving humanity or climbing
buildings and fighting dinosaurs, it’s gonna be a pretty terrible flick.
This has a chance to be good.
MVP doesn’t
disappoint. The movie is full of actors you’ve never heard of, with the
exception of Rick Ducommun, who plays the coach. The primate, Jack, is a
genetically modified chimp who has been the subject of long term
experimentation. He eventually escapes the evil scientist and flees to Canada. Because
nothing says Canada
like genetically superior monkeys. Anyway, he somehow finds his way into a
hockey rink and shows that he can skate faster and shoot harder than everyone
else. He quickly becomes a star and as he leads his team to the championship,
he draws national attention, including the evil scientist. Obviously, Jack and
his team prevail and this movie was such an incredible success that it spawned
two sequels: MVP 2 (Most vertical primate, where Jack learns basketball) and
MXP (Most Xtreme Primate), where he learns various X-games. The fact that I
have a monkey hockey star as the 10th worst sports movie of all time
should tell you something about the rest of the movies on this list.
This doesn't.
9. Ed (1996)
It's like I'm seeing double.
Since we’re on a monkey related theme here, let’s move on to
Ed, where a monkey plays baseball. And out-acts Matt LeBlanc. It’s gotta be
tough to be upstaged by a monkey, yet somehow, LeBlanc pulls it off. Which is
probably why we haven’t seen him in many movies since Ed came out. Basically,
LeBlanc is a talented but neurotic pitcher who chokes in the big moment, so he
gets sent to A ball, where his thirdbaseman is a monkey. That’s it. No
elaborate story like MVP about genetic testing and weird science. Nope. Just,
thirdbaseman’s a monkey. Because, y’know, even a monkey can play A-ball I
guess. That’s really what outrages me about this movie, I suppose. I mean,
players that make it to A-ball are supremely gifted baseball players. Probably
the best kids in their respective neighborhoods, for the most part. You can’t
just pick up a bum off the street or a monkey from a zoo and stick him in
A-ball. It doesn’t work that way. I can see the writers meeting clear as day. “So,
we got this baseball movie with LeBlanc. Typical cliché. Down on his luck
pitcher. Struggles to make it through A-ball on his way to the Majors. But we
need a hook. A twist…I got it, it’s A-ball. A-ball’s a freak show right? Let’s have
the firstbaseman be a clown. Nah, too obvious. I know! The thirdbaseman’s a
monkey! No, not a guy in a costume. An honest to god monkey! Dave you’re a
genius. Write that sucka. We’ll make millions.” So, there’s LeBlanc, pining for
the days of Friends, partnering up with a monkey that plays baseball and, uh…farts
a lot. Worst line of the movie? LeBlanc: “I’m gonna spank that monkey!”
Naturally.
How much did LeBlanc make for that movie?
8. Eddie (1996)
I just love how Hollywood envisions the owner of the Knicks.
Well, let’s transition from monkeys to movies named “Ed,
Eddie or any iteration thereof.” There has never been and never will be a
decent movie with “Ed” in the title. Unless Ed is a serial killer or a king.
Eddie is neither. Eddie is actually a limo driver from Queens
(Whoopi) who happens to be a die-hard Knick fan. In the movie, the Knicks are an
also ran in the NBA filled with players who either lack talent or are too
distracted by off the court issues. Uh. Hmm. Well, I didn’t say the movie wasn’t
accurate. I just said it wasn’t good. Anyway, Eddie wins a contest by sinking a
basket at halftime and gets to be honorary coach for the game. She brings such
fire to the bench, the Knicks owner (played by Frank Langella) decides to
replace his current coach (Dennis Farina) with Eddie. Now, I can actually see
the Dolan’s doing this but like I said, accurate does not equal good.
Whoopi...Isiah...Isiah...Whoopi...eh. Either way.
Anyway,
some stuff happens, Eddie gets the team to play as a team. They make the
playoffs as the eighth seed, something about moving the team, Whoopi gives
speech, crowd reacts, owner backs down. I don’t know, I really drunk by this
point. Anyway, there was a ton of NBA stars making cameos, like Marv Albert,
Dennis Rodman, Larry Johnson, to name a few. None of it made a difference. This
movie was about as entertaining as testicular torsion. And slightly more
painful too.
7. Air Bud 4: The 7th Inning Fetch (2002)
Screw the dog, let's see that Racoon pitch.
I think the title alone got to me on this one. But really, I
have to give this nod to the entire Air Bud franchise. In Air Bud, he plays
basketball. And while it’s by no means a good movie, it’s got a certain appeal
to youngsters I guess. I mean, it’s dreadful. But they went way beyond dreadful
with this entire franchise. Does Hollywood
have no ideas? “Dog playing basketball! I love it! (Air Bud). Next, let’s have him play football! Dave, you
are a genius! All it needs is a catchy title! (Air Bud II: Golden Receiver).
Dave can he play soccer next? Frank, I love you. Genius! (Air Bud III: World
Pup). Frank, let’s try baseball for our 4th movie. Gee, Dave, how
does he swing the bat? Irrelevant! We’ll pit him in the American League where
they have the DH! [Another reason to hate the DH. Without it, there’s no Air
Bud 4.] (Air Bud IV: The 7th Inning Fetch). Frank, this premise is
wearing thin. Let’s go back to monkeys. Dave, wait. Beach volleyball! Kiss me
Frank you magnificent bastard! (Air Bud: Spikes Back) I’m dying Frank. Don’t
say that Dave, you need to live! Frank, my dying wish is to expand the Air Bud
franchise. But how Dave? MMA? Air Bud: Kimbud Slice? No, Frank. Puppies! Air
Bud will have puppies and each puppy will play a different sport. We’ll call it…Air
Buddies. A whole new franchise! We can Snow Buddies. Space Buddies. Santa
Buddies: The Search for Santa Paws. Never mind that we’ll import underage
golden retrievers illegally, and half of them we’ll have to euthanize because
they contracted the parvovirus. And Disney will rule the world. God bless Dave.
We’ll put that on your tombstone.”
At least…that’s how I imagine it went. And that’s why I hate
Air Bud.
Not even death can stop the Air Bud franchise.
6. The Fish That Saved Pittsburgh
(1979)
The 70's were just weird.
I think I’ll leave you today with the Fish That Saved
Pittsburgh. I almost didn’t put it on the list because it actually has a pretty
groovy soundtrack. Y’know, 70’s Groovy. Seriously, it’s good. But you can buy
the soundtrack without ever having to see this wretched abomination that
desperately wants to be a comedy. I suppose it’s has a so-bad-it’s good
quality, combined with Disco-era cheesiness, that perhaps you can look at it
while high or drunk….really drunk…and find some charm. But I couldn’t. Jonathan
Winters (in a dual role before they were chic) and Stockard Channing (who plays
a psychic) look embarrassed to even be in the movie, and clearly are reading
their lines at gun point. Dr J. does a okay performance for a basketball
player. I mean, he’s no Shaquille O’Neal in Blue Chips, but he’s way better
than Shaquille O’Neal in Steel and Kazam. Meadowlark Lemon is also in there
somewhere. Basically, the worst team in the NBA is the Pittsburgh Pythons.
Their best player is Dr. J, but everyone else on the team hates him because
they think he’s a ball hog and a primadonna. Which he is. Do they trade him for
a first round pick, a hungry young kid and two expiring contracts? Of course
not, this is a movie. Instead, the waterboy consults a psychic (Channing) who
tells him that they must get rid of everyone on the team except Dr J., and then
replace the old players with people that were all born under the astrological
sign “picses”, which happens to be Dr. J’s sign. You can’t make this stuff up.
Oh. Ok, I guess you CAN make this stuff up, but WHY would you? For the love of
God, why? Anyway, with an eclectic group of Picses, Dr J. and friends come
together as a team and win it all. Thus, the fish that saved Pittsburgh is actually Dr. J. But then, you
knew that didn’t you? Incidentally, this is Donovan McNabb’s favorite movie of
all time. Which says something. What that is, I have no idea. But it’s
definitely something.
McNabb's reaction to the Fish That Saved Pittsburgh.
Anyway, those are the bottom five of my top 10 worst sports
movies. Tune back in tomorrow when the stakes get even higher, the movies get
even worse and Sylvester Stallone cries. I can’t wait.
