The 10 Greatest Sports Cheats of All Time – part 1

by Matt Minucci

Sportsmanship. This isn't it.

Sportsmanship. What exactly does that word mean? I suppose it’s most easily described as the etiquette of sports. Or perhaps, better, the ethos of sports. I was watching Eight Men Out the other night – great movie by the way – and realized, despite all the rationalizations modern apologists want to make, the 1919 Black Sox had no clue what Sportsmanship meant. I wondered about that. What are some of the worst example of Sportsmanship – or lack thereof – in sports history?

So I took a look. And I used a fairly liberal application of what is a “sport” because some of these entries are just too hilarious to pass up. As always, these are all subject to debate, and I would welcome any comments you all might have as to what some of your own examples of hilarious sports cheats might be.

Without further ado:

10.  Danny Almonte

Pictured:Danny Almonte just before he took the mound vs. a bunch of 12 year olds. 

The Little League World Series. Jackpot! ESPN has created tons of exposure for the LLWS and some would say this has helped propel the event into the forefront of American culture. Others would say that it’s an unfair and tremendous amount of pressure to place on a twelve-year old. Or in this case, the grown ups who coached the twelve year olds. Enter Felipe Almonte. To make a long and convoluted story rather short, Felipe falsified Danny’s birth records so that it would appear that Danny was 12 and eligible to pitch for his Bronx team, the Baby Bombers. In fact, Almonte was 14.

Those two years made a world of difference, as Almonte hurled a baseball 70 mph from a distance of 46 feet. In Major League Baseball terms, that’s the equivalent of a 92 mph fastball. Imagine trying to hit a 92 mph fastball. Now imagine trying to do it when you were 12. Predictably, Almonte became the first little leaguer to hurl a perfect game in LLWS history (since 1957) and of the 72 outs he recorded, 62 of them were via strikeout.

Little league rules prevented Almonte from pitching in the finals and since the rest of his team were a bunch of twelve year olds, they lost and finished 3^rd. Still, Almonte was such a feel good story that he and his Baby Bombers were honored by Rudy Giuliani and even given the freakin’ key to the city.

I can't believe I gave him the key to the city. The whole city.

But, in a moment that tickles the cockles of my coal black heart, a coach from – shout out, say hell yeah – Staten Island, hired a private investigator because he was so incensed about losing to the Baby Bombers. Which just goes to show that you simply do not F with Staten Islanders, especially when Little League pride is on the line. It’s worse than getting involved in a land war in Asia.

Shoot the kid. Take the cannoli's.

Anyway, surprise, surprise, the private dick discovered the truth – Almonte was 14. The Baby Bombers had to forfeit all of their games and baseball got another black eye. A prepubescent black eye to boot.

9. 2002 Olympic Figure Skating

Like I said, I was using the term “sports” very loosely for this article. We all know figure skating ranks below even such banal activities as NASCAR. In fact I’d say figure skating is more of a social event for gender confused sycophants. But that’s just me. Anyway, if you thought figure skating couldn’t sink any lower, wait til you read what happened in 2002. Like most winter activities, the Russians dominated figure skating. They won the damn event every single year.

I saw a figure skating movie once. I think these guys are russian.

So, in 2002, for those that cared, it was particularly satisfying to see the Canadians skate a flawless event. Combine that with a Russian technical flaw and it appeared that to nearly everyone that was watching, that the Russians would finally lose. I say it appeared that way to nearly everyone. Because to the French, Chinese, Russian, Ukrainian and Polish judges it appeared that the Russians, despite the flaw, had won. They all placed the Russians first and the Canadians 2^nd. The Canadians, Americans, Japanese and Germans all ranked the Canadians 1^st. Hilarity ensued. Taking a page from ‘you just can’t make this stuff up’ department, the French judge immediately caved upon questioning. He admitted to having a tit-for-tat agreement with the Russians to vote the Russian skaters 1^st no matter what happened. In addition to admitting to French guilt, the Cheese-eating surrender monkey also ceded Boulogne, Calais, and Dunkerque to the German judge.

There's nary a man alive that can outrun a greased scotsman!

The IOC went ahead and upgraded the Canadians to a gold medal, but allowed the Russians to also keep their gold medal, which should have resulted in nobody every taking figure skating seriously as a sport again. Alas, we are not so lucky, and must suffer through extensive coverage every four years.

8. Bill Belicheat and Spygate

When the coach of the Patriots does it, it's not illegal.

It’s probably redundant to discuss Spygate since it’s still probably fresh in everyone’s mind. But in case you’ve been living in a foreign country or trapped under something heavy, let’s touch on the particulars of Spygate.

In 2007 the New England Patriots reached football immortality in an absurdly tragic and hilarious fashion. They became the first team in NFL history to finish the regular season 16-0. (The only other undefeated team, the Dolphins of ’72, went 14-0.) The Pats swaggered into the playoffs, rolled into the Superbowl and then promptly blew their shot at an undefeated season by losing in humiliating last second fashion to the New York football Giants. A side benefit to this was that seven million impoverished third world peoples soon had much need clothes in the form of New England Patriots 19-0 undefeated season t-shirts.

They don't know the score. They only know that they're warm.

To add insult to this injury, the Patriots were accused by the lowly New York Jets of video-taping the Jets defensive and offensive signals in a blatant violation of league rules. The fact that the Patriots won the game 174-3 and didn’t need to videotape the Jets signals, since the Jets pretty much had no offense or defense to utilize said signals never really dawned on Belicheat. He just felt he really needed that extra edge. Because without it, he might have only won 144-10.

Anyway, Roger Goodell, NFL commish, fined Belichick 500,000 simolians, the highest fine ever levied in the League’s 87 year history and fined the Patriots organization an additional 250,000 dollars as well as forcing the Pats to forfeit their 2008 first round draft pick. And still Belichick denied any wrongdoing, stating in a ham-fisted and utterly unconvincing ‘apology’ that he was sorry for ‘misinterpreting’ the rules. Which is essentially the same as saying he’s sorry he got caught.

Belichick won the NFL coach of the year in 2007, which just goes to show that the NFL only cares that you win, even if you have to cheat to do it.

7.  Dora Ratjen

Oh those wacky Nazi's.

I’m sure 90% of you out there are sitting there saying, “Who the HELL is Dora Ratjen???” Well, I’d be happy to tell you. Dora Ratjen was a Nazi who competed in the women’s high jump in the 1936 Olympics. That’s it. Oh wait. One more little thing. Extremely little thing, apparently. At the request of the Nazi Youth Movement, Ratjen, born Hermann Ratjen, tightly bound his genitalia and became the only known Olympic athlete to successfully disguise his genitalia and compete as a woman.

It was thought by the Nazi’s that having a male compete against females would give them an advantage and bring ‘greater glory for the Reich.” In typical Nazi fashion they made Ratjen room with fellow German, Gretel Bergmann, who happened to be Jewish. Years later Bergmann stated that while she never knew Ratjen was male, she supposed that the Nazi’s made him room with her because any liaison between a German and a Jew would have earned them both a one way trip to a concentration camp. You gotta love the Nazi’s.

The other woman thought Ratjen was a little ‘weird’ and they made fun of ‘her’ deep voice. They also thought that for a chick, she had some set of balls. But they never imagined she was a male. Eventually, Ratjen was noticed at a train station sporting five oclock shadow and a penis and the jig was proverbially up.

And gone!

Ratjen himself claimed that he was a male with ‘ambiguous genitalia’ and was forced to compete as a woman by the Nazi’s.  He was last seen working as a waiter in 1957 in Hamberg.

And to put a comical exclamation point on this utterly ridiculous story, Ratjen finished FOURTH in the women’s high jump in ’36, failing to earn a medal for the Fatherland, as the Nazi’s proved that women could be every bit as good as men in at least some sports – and oft times, better. At least, if the men are Nazi’s with ambiguous genitalia.

Ambiguous Genitalia.

6. The 1919 Black Sox

No baseball for you!

Ah, my muse for this article. The Black Sox. Source of a great movie, “Eight Men Out,” and “Field of Dreams” which, while good, has no Negro league players in that cornfield in Iowa, which is, in my mind, unforgivable. And don’t tell me there weren’t any in the book. If Morgan Freeman can play “Red” in Shawshank, Field of Dreams could have had Josh Gibson and Cool Papa Bell…among others. But I digress.

Pictured: Cut scene from Field of Dreams.

Anyway, The Black Sox. Probably the most famous incident of cheating in sports, as eight players from the heavily favored Chicago White Sox conspired with gamblers to throw the World Series, losing to the Cincinnati Reds. First baseman Chick Gandil was the mastermind behind it, contacting some friends he had in the gambling circuit and telling them he could get the fix in.

Chick Gandil. Christ, I'm shocked he didn't kill Comiskey.

Gandil convinced several other members of the Sox to conspire with him and motivated by their intense dislike of owner, Charles Comiskey, they agreed. The principle ‘cheaters’ in addition to Gandil were pitchers Eddie Cicotte and Lefty Williams, outfielder Happy Felsch and shortstop Swede Risberg. Little used utility infielder Fred McMullin got wind of the fix and demanded to be in on the payoff or he’d expose the others. Third baseman Buck Weaver was asked to join in but refused. However, in a cruel twist for Weaver, when the fix came to light, he was banned with the others because he failed to report the cheaters to anyone. Finally, all-world outfielder, Shoeless Joe Jackson was alleged to have been in on the fix as well, but his involvement is unclear. In fact, it’s open to much dispute as Jackson hit a series leading .375 and threw out 5 runners at the plate. He also fielded 30 chances in the outfield without an error. Some people point out that he hit only .286 in the games the Sox lost and that 3 of his RBIs and his lone homerun came in a game that was well out of reach in Cincinnati’s favor. However, years later it was pointed out that Jackson was illiterate and was never present at any of the ‘fix’ meetings. And that he only consented to take money after he and his family were threatened by Gandil. In fact, the other seven banned players all said that they just said Jackson was involved so that they would have more credibility with the mobsters and gamblers. Wasn’t the early 20^th century fun?!?

At any rate, these eight players became known as the Chicago Eight or Eight Men Out, as in, Out of Baseball. Forever. They were initially acquitted of any wrong doing by a highly biased Chicago court. Desperate to restore credibility to the game, the MLB owners turned to a man they did not understand. Judge Keensaw Mountain Landis. Landis brought an iron fist to the newly created Commissioner of Baseball position and carved out much of the power that office would hold for many many years, until it was utterly emasculated by Bud Selig. But that’s another article. Landis, following his own investigation, found the main six players mentioned above, complicit in conspiring to fix the 1919 World Series, and banned all six for life. Also banned were Buck Weaver, for the reason mentioned above, and Shoeless Joe Jackson, despite the ambiguous nature of his involvement.

The primary motivation by these players to throw the series was the legendary cheapness of owner Charles Comiskey.  In the 1917 season, pitcher Eddie Cicotte had a clause in his contract that would have earned him 10,000 1917 dollars if he won 30 games. He was benched with several weeks left in the season, having 28 wins. Cicotte was still bitter about that and thus had motivation to cheat.

In fact, the term “Black Sox” actually did not originate with the team that fixed the World Series. In was started years earlier when Comiskey refused to pay for the team’s laundry and said each player was responsible for cleaning his own uniform. This naturally led to the players wearing absolutely filthy uniforms and thus began to be called, “Black Sox.”

So for all of you out there that complain about the sky-rocketing salaries of professional athletes, this is probably what you can expect as the alternative.

So we’re halfway through the 10 greatest sports cheats of all time. And I imagine many of you are asking how in the world I could have the Black Sox 6^th. All I can say is at least the Black Sox didn’t kill anybody.

Up your butt Jobu!

Tune in tomorrow to find out what that means.