Welcome one, welcome all to the show that never ends! It's time for a look at the Week 5 games in the N.F.L!
Now, again, this is done just for fun. Gambling is illegal unless you're in a palace suite in Las Vegas or on a small, leaking life raft in shark infested waters in the middle of the South Pacific.
Guess where Stemkovsky 'splurged' to send me?
Yep.
Well, before we get into this week, I need to give you all a big 'Mea Culpa' for last week. I really shi...uh...messed the bed. Horrible week for me. I really took it on the chin, going a lackluster 6-8 including some fantastically bad calls. Dallas blowing out Denver? Nope. Tennessee bouncing back v. Jacksonville? Yeah right. St. Louis, who I said would cover, not only didn't cover, they got shut out, 35-0. But the worst was the Buffalo-Miami game. I gave Chad Henne NO respect and he made me pay for it. All I can say is...oops.
It wasn't a good week.
I'll do better this week. As for Big Dan? He did his usual 7-7 and since his pick are largely based on Nostradamus' Quatrains, this is fitting. After 4 weeks the standing are:
WLGB
Me: 36 26-
BigD:34 282
So, I'm two games up on Big Dan. Big Dan, as you'll recall, thinks that "the Grid Iron" is something you make pancakes on. I will now light myself on fire.
Yay Pancakes!
Anyway, let's move on to the Week 5 picks:
Minnesota (-10) over St. Louis
Good God is St. Louis horrendous. Four games. Two shutouts. I mean, that's just unheard of in football. And it doesn't get any easier when Brett Favre's Vikings come to town. It's a double digit spread but I'd take the Vikes if the spread were 20, let alone 10. The Rams can't play offense, can't play defense...in fact, they simply can't play football. Viking 30, Rams 3. Big Dan?
Big Dan: Let's go with St. Louis. How well does Minnesota do outside of -20 degree weather?
Me: this year? Pretty good
Big Dan: Eh.
Can the Vikings take the non-cold? Big Dan say no!
Dallas (-8.5) over Kansas City
Dallas is not a good team. They're decidedly mediocre. And normally, I'd never advocate taking them and giving up so many points ,especially to a home team. But in this case, Kansas is just so brutally bad, none of that should matter. Dallas will be without WR Roy Williams, but that could be addition by subtraction. KC can't cover tight ends, so Jason Witten should have a field day. Marion Barber should also punch in a score or two. Dallas rolls, 21-7. Big-D?
Big Dan: Do you suppose those Indian-themed teams feel uncomfortable when they play the Cowboys? Let's hope so. I root for Dallas, in keeping with Manifest Destiny.
Manifest destiny?
Washington (+3.5) over Carolina
Stemkovsky just spit up his gluten-free, sugarless oat-gruel. But I gotta go with the 'Skins here. Look, Washington is not good but the Panthers are ghastly. Well, Jake Delhomme is ghastly. Actually, Campbell v. Delhomme, I wonder what the over is for INTs. Seven? Take the over. Bottom line, Carolina is atrocious and the worst team in the NFC East is still the best team in the NFC South. 'Skins win, 16-14. Dan-O?
Big Dan: Carolina. I'm down on the Native American teams this week. It must be the oppressor in me.
Just your typical oppressive Redskin fan.
Philadelphia (-15) over Tampa
Fifteen points? There's a fifteen point spread? In an NFL game? Well, since Tampa is pretty much fielding a college squad, I guess it's fitting we have a college spread for this game. Really, it's shades of the early '80's, when the Eagles were dominant and the Bucs were a laughingstock. These days, however, with so many laughingstocks in the NFL, the Bucs get overlooked. But don't let that fool you. They're every bit as terrible as Cleveland, KC, Detroit, St. Louis....well, maybe not St. Louis. No one's that bad. But they are historically bad. Or is it hysterically bad? Anyway, they're playing IN Philly and the Eagles welcome back both Donovan McNabb AND Brian Westbrook. There's no love in Philly for the Bucs. Eagles roll, 44-13. Dan?
Big Dan: Heh. Did you read the Onion article I posted about Michael Vick's teammates being uninspired by his awesome dogfighting stories? Let's pretend it's true. Tampa Bay.
Who wouldn't be impressed by this?
Giants (-14.5) over Oakland
Another crazy spread. And I was ready to take the Giants when I thought Eli Manning was going to sit out. But now, it looks like he's going to play. Check please. Plus, how can you ever take the Raiders? Forget Al Davis. Forget Darren McFadden being hurt. JaMarcus Russell is the worst QB to disgrace the NFL in recent memory. His QB rating is 41.8. For some perspective. Alex Stemkovsky gets the call to QB the Redskins. He gets under center and manages to throw one incomplete pass before suffering a paralyzing hit that ends his career. His QB rating would be 39.5. That's how bad Russell has been. He couldn't hit land if he fell from the sky. Giants 38, Raiders 0. Dan?
Big Dan: I need a general feeling of good cheer around the school, and after the Mets tanked, it ain't happening. Giants.
Me: Don't you have any Yankee fans at your school?
Big Dan: Dude, there are people here with the Mets logo tattooed on them. It's like a horrible sort of concentration camp.
St. John's has really lowered it's standards since I went there...
Buffalo (-6) over Cleveland
This was a tough call. Buffalo burned me last week, getting the holy hell kicked out of them by Miami. And Cleveland actually looked competitive v. Cincinnati. But the game is in Buffalo and I don't think the Mohamed Massaquoi will sneak up on the Bills like he did on the Bengals. Let's go with Buffalo 24, Browns 16. D-man?
Big Dan: Let's go with Cleveland. Buffalo fans around here are still pretty douchey.
All he wanted was a little extra ketchup. Lousy Bills fans.
Cincinnati (+8 1/2) over Baltimore
Wow. I must be out of my mind. Baltimore is a good, good team. And Joe Flacco should shred a pass defense that got lit up by Derek Anderson. Plus, Carson Palmer has his own personal horror show he endures every time he plays the Ravens. But...the game is in Cincy and the Bengals have surprised a lot of teams this year. I'm going with the no-cover here, saying the Bengals keep it close but the Ravens win, 27-21. Dan the man?
Big Dan: You know, I just saw the Poe Cottage up in the Bronx. Pretty weird, seeing something like that amid the drugs and the squalor and the general urban decay. It was inspiring. Baltimore.
Drugs and decay.
Pittsburgh (-10 1/2) over Detroit
And yet another double-digit spread. And another elite team faces a league-wide joke. And it might get even worse for the Lions as Matt Stafford and Calvin Johnson are both listed as questionable for this game. Johnson should play, but Stafford probably won't. Which means the game is in the hands of the legendary Dante Culpepper. It won't matter. Steelers 31, Lions 10. Dan?
Big Dan: Pittsburgh ... speaking of urban decay. Why does Detroit even have a football team? For that matter, how do they host home games? Do they give out kevlar? Is the stadium behind eighteen rows of barbwire and a minefield? Perhaps a moat? The mind boggles.
All Detroit needs is a little Robocop action.
Atlanta (+2 1/2) over San Francisco
What's with all the San Fran love? The Falcons are now an underdog at home? AT HOME!?! Really? All because the Niners shut out a Ram team that would probably lose to Stanford. I guess you could say the Niners are rolling and the Falcons are a little rusty coming off a bye. Another, more intelligent, way of looking at it would be the Niners weren't even remotely tested by the Rams, while the Falcons had two weeks to rest and prepare for this game. Matt Ryan and company aren't the Rams. Show me what you got, Singletary! Falcons win, 23-20. Dan?
Big Dan: Atlanta...I can't imagine the SF guys are comfortable in the deep, deep south. Unless they're in the woods from "Deliverance." Then it might be ok.
Me: (Afraid to say anything.)
You pretty much knew this was coming.
Patriots (-3) over Denver
I just don't believe the Broncos hype. Dallas in over-rated and just not good. Denver hasn't beaten anyone good yet. Now, they get their chance against the Patriots and I think they fail this test. The Pats hand Denver their first loss, 28-17. D-diddy?
Big Dan: Denver. New England makes me ill, since I read about Teddy Kennedy sleeping with over a thousand women. Just picture it. Was this in his later years? They could have all fit on his lap.
Me: Well, probably not all at once
Big Dan: Dude, it was a pretty monstrous lap.
It's like I'm seeing double.
Arizona (-5.5) over Houston
This is another tough call, but I'm going with the home team to win in a barn burner. I think this will be the highest scoring game of the week. Warner should have no trouble shredding the Texans woeful pass D, hitting Fitzgerald, Boldin and Breaston all game. On the flip side, Matt Schaub should likewise find it easy hooking up with Andre Johnson, Kevin Walter and Owen Daniels. Whoever has the ball last will win this game and I say it's the Cardinals, 42-35. D-Money?
Big Dan: Oooh, sounds like an old west gunfight. I say Texas. Quicker on the draw. Maybe someone actually gets shot.
Why, I'll blast the varmit wide open!
Jacksonville (pick) over Seattle
This game is in Jacksonville, between two decidedly mediocre teams. In all likelihood neither will make it to the playoffs this year. My first thought about this game was, "Meh." My next thought was, "Ugh." I simply don't care. Jacksonville. Seattle. They're both 7-9, 8-8 teams at best. Vegas doesn't seem to care either as they couldn't be bothered to give it a spread. They just said, "Eh. pick the winner." Though, I really like the way David Garrard has been throwing the ball - especially to Mike Sims-Walker. Add that to the other hyphen, Maurice Jones-Drew and I think the Jags prove too much for the 'Hawks. Jacksonville wins, 26-21. D?
Big Dan: Seattle ... I was hanging out with a guy from Seattle today. They're very laid back. It's hard to see them getting stressed over football.
Seattle. Jacksonville. Wha'ever.
Indianapolis (-3.5) over Tennessee
This is my lock of the week. Don't think it over. Don't question how the Titans are suddenly this bad. Just accept that they are. Don't say, "There's no way the Titans go 0-5!" Yes. There is. They will. I was talking to myself by the way. The Colts are clicking like a well-oiled machine and Peyton Manning is on fire, torching anyone that he faces. The Titans have no shot in this game and the low line (-3.5) is a gift. Colts cruise, 30-17. Dan the Man?
Big Dan: I have to give a sympathy vote to Indianapolis. The proudest son of Indianapolis, David Letterman, is about to go down in an unholy torrent of flames. One might argue they deserve it, for having Letterman as their proudest son. But man is it sad.
Sad.
Monday Night
Jets (-2) over Miami
I'm a Jet believer. As much as I despise the organization for it's cruel and demeaning treatment of the handicapped, I can't deny that Rex Ryan is building a force in the Meadowlands. A defensive force of extraordinary magnitude. And I think they rattle and roll Chad Henne in a way Buffalo could only dream of. Jets rock the 'Fins, 20-10. Big Dan?
Big Dan: Miami. I want the Jets to go 3-13. Also, Dexter is rockin' it.
Not the Dexter he meant.
Well, there you have it. The week 5 picks. Let's end on a high note: Cheerleaders!
