Once again we delve into the absurd realm of pro football, to try and make sense of a profoundly wacky season.
Last week was a tough one for me as I started off strong, but ultimately collapsed during the late games once more, slipping to a 6-7 mark for the week.
Big Dan, as you recall, the faulknarian man-child that matches me pick-for-pick, went 9-4. So after eight weeks, here's how the standing look:
Big Dan67481
Me65501
That's right, at long last it's finally happened. Big Dan has surpassed me and takes a 2 game lead on me in the standings. It was inevitable. My expertly applied knowledge is no match for his cheese-whiz induced rambling diatribe.
When asked if he had any comment on taking the lead in our NFL picks contest, Big Dan said:
That's why the ladies love me.
Big Dan, re-enacting his favorite scene from "The Accused."
And so we go to the picks, where I will try in vain to take the lead back from Big D.
Jacksonville (-6.5) over Kansas City
This is a wacky week, I'm letting you know this right now. The spreads make little to no sense. This is the best of a bad lot, I suppose, as Kansas City is just flat out terrible, while the Jaguars have a running back (Jones-Drew) that's capable of scoring any time he touches the ball. Larry Johnson is suspended for this game by the Chiefs, so they'll go with Jamal Charles and Dantrell Savage at RB. As cool as that sounds, it won't help the lowly Chiefs. Jaguars roll, 28-13. Big Dan?
Big Dan: Kansas City -- I like the KC initials. Reminds me of the Sunshine Band. That's just too happy not to wallop some Florida slum.
KC and the Sunshine Band. Somehow this equals a KC win in Big Dan's mind.
Cincinnati (+3) over Baltimore
The Ravens looks awesome dismantling the Broncos last week, and now travel to Cincy to try and get some revenge on the Bengals, who've beaten them once already this year. Problem is, I think the Bronco offense, with it's short passes and running attack, played perfectly into the Raven D. The Bengal's aerial attack and Palmer's deep passes to his wideouts should spell doom for a weak Raven secondary. I'm sticking with the Bengals at home and taking the points. Cincy wins, 31-27. Dan-O?
Big Dan: Baltimore! Ravens are carrion birds, and frankly they fare better than predator creatures, even if they do so less glamorously.
When Ravens attack, on the Discovery channel.
Houston (+9) over Indianapolis
I hate this game. I think Indy is perfectly capable of beating the Texans, but it's not like the Texans are bad. They're probably a playoff team. And laying nine points is never a good idea. Especially after the Colts barely dispatched the Niners last week. Furthermore, I don't think the Colts can run the ball that well anymore. I'm not saying the Texans can win this game outright, but I am saying they're good enough to keep it close. Colts win, but don't cover, 31-24. Dan Fielding?
Big Dan: I was just thinking earlier how much I like girls with "coltish" legs. That's a weird word for sayin a chick has nice pins, innit? But it works. Who knows why. So, Colts.
Me: Do girls with 'coltish' legs like you?
Big Dan: Sadly, no.
Coltish legs + Big Dan = Epic Fail.
Atlanta (-9.5) over Washington
Another ridiculous spread. The Falcons aren't good enough to be favored by 9 1/2 points over anyone. But they are a good team. Another playoff team. And the Redskins are a team in complete disarray and a borderline embarrassment to the NFL. I can't see Washington even being remotely competitive in this game, especially after the loss of TE Chris Cooley. Furthermore, the Falcons have too many weapons - Turner, White and Gonzalez - for this to remain a close game. Falcons roll 27-7. Dan-o-mac?
Big Dan: Oooh, that's a tough one. I guess Washington ... Indians are kinda good at hunting and breaking animals.
Once more, Stemkovsky when asked about the Redskins 2009 season.
Green Bay (-9.5) over Tampa Bay
The game's in Tampa and they're coming off a bye. Plus, the Packers aren't very good. But I think they're still good enough to beat the piss out of a historically bad Buccaneer squad. The Bucs have a lousy defense, no running game, no wide receivers and a rookie quarterback. Green Bay, meanwhile, is coming off a loss at home to the Brett Favre led Vikings. I say it's a perfect recipe for an angry Packer team to unload a season's worth of frustration on the lowly Bucs. Green Bay rolls 42-14. Dan?
Big Dan: BATTLE OF THE BAYS! I say ... Tampa. It seems a more inviting sort of bay, with the warm water and the bikinis.
Pictured: Not Green Bay.
Arizona (+3) over Chicago
This another ridiculously hard game to call. Both teams are completely schizophrenic in the way they've played this season. Every time you expect either one of them to explode, they implode and get blown out. But look at the Cardinals - they went in to the Meadowlands and thrashed the Giants. Only to lose the next week to lowly Carolina. I'm thinking this Cardinal team only gets up for big games - and this is a big one in brisk Soldier Field in Chicago. I think the Cards win a close one 20-17. Dan?
Big Dan: In this weather? Come on. Arizona will suffocate in the cold. Bears.
Kurt Warner, circa 4th Quarter of tomorrows game.
New England (-10.5) over Miami
Huge spread. I'm not a big fan of this one. The Patriots should win this game going away, but Miami can surprise and play a conservative, close games. Still, I doubt Chad Henne can pull out a win here, wild cat or no wild cat. The big question is, can the Pats cover? I think they will. Brady to Moss and Welker twice in the end zone and the Pats come away with a 34-17 win. Dan?
Big Dan: God, Dexter is kicking so much ass this season. But Lithgow was naked again! Man, oh man. Ok ... Miami. Whew.
Nothing's scarier than a naked John Lithgow.
New Orleans (-13) over Carolina
These spreads are just insane. Thirteen points? Carolina discovered something last week - it has an extremely effective running game. Look for the Panthers to use it again this week to keep the game close for a while. But ultimately, the Saints and Drew Brees will prove too much for 'em. It'll be close going into the 4th quarter when Brees will strike with that lightening quick offense to put the Panthers away for good. New Orleans win and covers, 35-17. Dan-0?
Big Dan: South versus Deep South? Gotta be Nawlins. They'll eat Carolina like they was crawfish.
Panthers? Win? No chance.
Detroit (+10) over Seattle
You gotta be kidding me. The Seahawks should not be laying 10 points to ANYONE, I don't care if they're home or if it's against the Lions. The Lions, when Stafford and Calvin Johnson are healthy - which they both should be this week - have a solid offense. This game will be a close, fairly high scoring affair. I'm giving the edge to Seattle because they're home, but I don't see them covering. Not at all. Seattle wins, 31-24. D-man?
Big Dan: Detroit. Being out of Detroit anywhere will lift their spirits.
The Lions are good enough, smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like 'em!
Tennessee (+4) over San Francisco
I really have no idea on this one. How do you read the Titans? They've been abysmal all season, but last week, switching out Collins for Vince Young seemed to give them a spark. Factor in Chris Johnson running wild, and they come away with their first win. The Niners, meanwhile, have also turned the reins over to their 2nd string QB, Alex Smith. I like Johnson better than Gore and I think I like Vince Young slightly better than Alex Smith - but really that's just saying I like mustard slightly more than mayonnaise, even though both make me vomit uncontrollably. Anyway, I'll take the points and hope for a Titan win, 24-21. Dan?
Big Dan: 49ers ... I like the idea of some scruffy toothless Gabby Hayes type taking down mighty Prometheus.
Gabby Hayes?
San Diego (+5) over the Giants
What can we make of the New York Giants? I really don't have an answer. They rolled out to a 5-0 mark, looking all the bit like the best in the NFC. Then, after getting exposed by the Saints, they've gotten blown out by the Saints, then the Cardinals and next the Eagles. Now, here comes another team with a high flying passing game as Philip Rivers will look to throw deep all day to Vincent Jackson, Malcolm Floyd and of course Antonio Gates. And watch for Darren Sproles to play a role catching the ball out of the backfield. The Giants are a team reeling out of control, in danger of losing their whole season. They need to make a stand in this game. This is a must win game for them. I'm just not sure they can do it. And if they do, I don't think they can cover the 5 point spread. I'm taking the Chargers, 21-20. Dan?
Big Dan: New York is riding high. Giants! We win it all.
Me: the Giants have lost 3 straight
Big Dan: So they can be inspired by the Yankees.
Joba says: "Go Giants!"
Philadelphia (-3) over Dallas
This is probably a pick born of being a pessimistic Cowboy fan. This is a big game. Dallas, at 5-2 is tied with the Eagles atop the NFC East. The winner of this game will have a firm grasp on the division title and the playoffs. Tony Romo hasn't won a single 'big game' since Dallas made him their starting QB. I'm not sure he's going to start now. Either way, he has to prove it to me first before I believe it. Philly rolls at home, 34-21. D-Mac?
Big Dan: What's that thing about cowboys breaking doggies? I'm trying to figure out how that applies to Vick and can't quite manage it. Whatever, Dallas.
Dallas has no chance.
Monday Night
Pittsburgh (+3) over Denver
When a team is favored by 3 points at home, that means the odds-makers feel the teams are even, but the home team gets a 3-point advantage. I call shenanigans on the odds-makers. Pittsburgh and Denver are not even, I don't care what Denver's record is. Denver got exposed by the Ravens last week, and the Steelers are the defending Champs. I say, coming off a bye, the Champs roll all over the Broncos, in Denver, 31-19. Dan?
Big Dan: Why don't the Steelers have a robot mascot? Robot mascots are key. Denver.
Me: uh...i don't think any NFL team...or any other team for that matter...has a robot mascot
Big Dan: Well they need to get with the goddamn program.
Somehow, I was expecting something slightly more fearsome.
Well there you have. The week 9 picks are in the books and Big Dan will try to extend his 2-game lead over me in the standings, while I try to rebound from an embarrassing 6-7 week in week 8. Will I prevail? Of course not! But while we're waiting for me to fail, let's look at....CHEERLEADERS!
