Here we are again on our own. Going down the only road we've ever known....is that Winger? Am I quoting Winger? Well, some 80's band in any event. Lack of food and drinkable water will do that to you. Yes, as I waste away on my floating prison off the Cape of Good Hope, I am once again bringing you my NFL picks - this time for Week 8, the Halloween Edition!
Look everyone! Stemkovsky's a cowboy! Howdy, howdy, howdy!
As you know by now, I give you my expert picks for your own personal use, while my Bohemian sibling gives you his Kafkaesque ramblings with an occasional NFL thought sparsed throughout. And, of course, his picks have just as much chance of success as mine. I will now drink lighter fluid and swallow a match.
And look everyone, I'm the Human Torch!
Of course, I'm talking about Big Dan. Big Dan is practically giddy this week after having such rousing success picking the Jets game last week. No, he doesn't care about who won. He is ecstatic that Leon Washington is now crippled. Remember now, the Jets, as an organization, HATE handicapped people. See for yourself:
And Big Dan, as you know, is big into Karma. So, Karma came up and bit the Jets on the ass last week, and Big Dan couldn't be happier. Also, Big Dan had a tremendous week last week, ripping off an 8-4-1 mark, picking up a game on me in the process as I stumbled after a 6-0 start to finish 7-5-1. The standings after 7 weeks?
Me 59-43-1 -
Big Dan 58-44-1 1
Yes, Big Dan is just one game behind me after 7 weeks. Wonderful. Big Dan, by the way, thinks "Intentional Grounding" is what happened to him after his mom caught him filling his shoes with cheese whiz and stomping around the house in leaky cheese shoes calling himself "Brutus avec Frommage!"
And Big Dan is...Strong Bad! And if you know who that is....well...I'm sorry.
And without further ado, we move on to the Week 8 picks:
Denver (+3) over Baltimore
Interesting matchup because in this wacky NFL season you have the 3-3 Ravens actually giving points to the undefeated Broncos. How can a 6-0 team be an underdog to a .500 team? Welcome to Parity city in the NFL! I like the Ravens. I like Ray Rice - the kid is a beast. I like Joe Flacco too. I do not like this match-up for them, however. Denver is playing with a ton of confidence and their defense gets better every game. I think the Bronco D will have little trouble forcing Flacco to make some crucial mistakes and while Ray Rice will give them fits, it won't be enough. Plus, the Raven defense isn't nearly as good as it's reputation. Broncos with the Road W, 21-17. Big Dan?
Big Dan: No way
anyone beats the Ravens, in Baltimore,
on Halloween weekend. Poe would rise from his grave to wreak vengeance. That
would make a great comic!
It's Halloween and the Broncos are...uh...streaking.
Chicago (-13.5) over Cleveland
Good lord what a spread. Did you know that Vegas is getting KILLED this year. Yep. KILLED. Last week especially, when the Patriots, Colts, Packers, Chargers and Jets all faced huge double-digit spreads against much weaker teams (Bucs, Rams, Browns, Chiefs and Raiders), they all covered. And since a tremendous amount of the action was on the favorites, Vegas took a beating. It's just another wacky week in the NFL. And hey, anytime you get to beat the book at Vegas, you have to kick it when it's down. This game is no exception as a pissed-off Bears team is laying in wait at Solider Field for a completely inept Derek Anderson-led Browns. This one is going to be over early and be very ugly. Lay the points, take the Bears, 34-3. Big D?
Big Dan: Chicago! Similar reason. It's close to
Election Day, which means the dead will be out in force to vote.
Like I said, it's gonna get ugly in Chicago this weekend.
Houston (-3) over Buffalo
In a matchup of the 3-4 Bills vs the 4-3 Texans, I really don't think this game will be remotely close. The only concern I have is the chest injury Texan all-world WR Andre Johnson suffered last week. Dude was coughing up blood, which is never a good thing unless you're...well...it's never a good thing. All reports say he's fine and he will play. Expect him and Steve Slaton to tear up the Bills defensive ass and watch an under-rated Texan defense shut down Bill legend Ryan Fitzpatrick. Texans roll: 27-13. Bigus Danus?
Big Dan: Houston ... winter is closing in, bringing with it the monstrous
depression that's even worse than Buffalo's
normal monstrous depression.
It's either Halloween or just another day John Wayne Gacy's house. Go Texans?
Minnesota (-3) over Green Bay
Yeah, I'm pickin' Favre to waltz into Green Bay and lay an ass-whuppin' on the Thomson-McCarthy led Packers. I am. I'm saying there'll be no joy in Cheese-ville this weekend. Unless you're wearing purple and gold - then there'll be lotsa joy. I don't particularly think the 6-1 Vikings are all that great. They're very good. They're not the Saints. But I DO think they are up and away the best team in the NFC Norris division. I'll take Favre to Rice over Rodgers to Jennings and I'll take Adrian "All Day" Peterson over Ryan Grant. The defenses are both decent, albeit the Vikes are a bit more over-rated - and probably a shade better in any event. But this game really comes down to Brett Favre's revenge part 2. He's already smoked the Pack in Minnesota. Now it's time to drive the stake into their hearts right in their precious ice field. Right up Curly Lambeau's....you get the idea. Favre teaches McCarthy and Thomson a valuable lesson as the Vikes roll 34-21. Danicka?
Big Dan: Is it true that on game day Green
Bay is a ghost town because every man woman and child
is watching the game?
Me:pretty much, yeah
Big Dan: Vikings. Suffer, Wisconsinites.
How do you screw up a Viking Costume? Humanity found a way.
Indianapolis (-13) over San Francisco
I was initially a little put off by such a large spread. But the 49ers are not good. They started off spunky, but were soon exposed and now are floundering at 3-3 and have gone to Alex Smith at QB, desperate for a spark. (Boy my Shawn Hill fantasy sleeper QB ain't looking too good here.) The Colts, meanwhile, are 6-0 and in cruise control. And I don't believe for a second that an Alex Smith-led 49er team is going to roll into Indianapolis and beat the Colts. I do worry about a late back-door cover TD, where Smith hits Niner tight end Vernon Davis to cut the deficit to like 10 or 12, thus killing your bet. But at the end of the day, that's simply a flukey play at best. The Colts should - and will - roll past the Niners, 36-14. Big Dan?
Big Dan: San Francisco. They need a break after Arnold literally managed
to publish a government document that said "F--- You."
The sad thing is, this memo is 100% real.
Miami (+3.5) over the Jets
This is a tough game to predict. The Dolphins looked like world beaters for 1 half of football last week, rolling up an impressive 24-3 lead on football's best team, the New Orleans Saints. The Saints, however, remembered one, that they were the Saints and two, they were playing the Dolphins, and, naturally, they erupted in the second half, outscoring the 'Fins by a 43-10 margin the rest of the game, to win 46-34 in a wild one last week. Meanwhile, the Jets rolled over the hapless Raiders in Oakland, 38-0. The Jets did lose third-down spark plug RB Leon Washington to a gruesome broken leg, but rookie Shonn Greene filled in nicely, so it's unlikely the Jets will lose much there. The game's in the Meadowlands and I find it hard to believe the 'Fins will sweep the Jets this year. But I think it will be close and the Jets will suffer a bit of a let down that all teams suffer when they're not playing the Raiders. So, I'm going with the rare Jets win but fail to cover a low spread: Jets 23, Dolphins 20. Dan-0?
Big Dan: Oh .. did the Jets
finally get a crippling injury?
Me: It was pretty gruesome yes
Big Dan: Dear me. Dear, dear, dear. How terrible for
them. I wouldn't want anything else bad to happen to them ... like Miami stomping them into
the dirt.
Me: So, uh...you're picking miami then?
Big Dan: No, I'm picking the Jets. I just want to see Miami stop a few of them.
Just End The Stupidity. I had not heard that before. I LIKE it!
St. Louis (pick) over Detroit
The 1-5 Lions vs. the 0-7 Rams in Detroit. This is NFL-Magic. How do I even pick this game? What's more, due to the uncertainty surrounding both Lions QB Matt Stafford and Lions WR Calvin "Megatron" Johnson, you can't even really bet this game around most of the casino's in Vegas. It's off the board. But we never let something as trivial as game-changing injuries stop us here at Sportvent! So, I'm calling this a pick'em game. Just pick the winner. But even that is a feat, because, in addition to both teams being utterly atrocious, the Lions are a completely different team with Stafford and Johnson in there. Based on everything I've read to this point, it seems like both Stafford and Johnson will sit this one out, which is why I'm picking a Steve Jackson-led Rams team to eke out their first win of the season. Rams win the Oy-Bowl, 16-10. D-man?
Elendil: Have the Lions won two
in a row?
Gpposon2: uh...no
Elendil: Oh. I was hoping for a Lou Brown setup, but I
guess it's not to be. Thanks, Lions. Thanks a lot, you worthless doofuses. St. Louis.
Rams. Lions. It's a crap game no matter who you pick.
Seattle (+9.5) over Dallas
Dallas will win this game. And it really won't be that close. But they will not cover a 9 1/2 point spread. That's just ridiculous. They're not that good and the Seahawks aren't that bad. Dallas' offense is clicking however, as Tony Romo has found a new toy in Miles Austin. Add to that, Felix Jones finally looks healthy and is displaying that burst that makes him so tough to stop. The Seahawks have a solid aerial attack, with Hasselback hooking up with both Nate Burleson and TJ Houshmandzedeh, as well as tight end John Carlson. But it's the 'Hawks utterly inept running game that will do them in this game. Dallas rolls, but doesn't cover, 27-20. Dan?
Big Dan: Dallas...if it were in Seattle, I could say "It's the Battle
in Seattle!"
Now I can't. Screw Seattle.
This is a very popular costume in Dallas. And pretty much everywhere else.
San Diego (-17) over Oakland
Boy, as if the Raiders didn't give you enough reasons to be disgusted by them. SEVENTEEN POINTS!?!?! Ridiculous. Vegas is desperate. These double-digit dogs are killing them. They aren't covering so the spreads get higher...and higher. Look, unless your the 2008 Patriots, who routinely put up F-You TD's all season, there's no reason any NFL team should be laying 17 points to any other NFL team. That's two TD's and a field goal. That's just crazy. Having said all that, last week, I violated my cardinal rule and took the Raiders and double digit points. The result? The Raiders got anihilated 38-0. By the Jets of all teams. So, this week, I am staring down a bullet, gonna make my final stand...No, wait, that's Bon Jovi. What I'm gonna do, is give 17 points to the ridiculously bad Raiders and watch the Chargers maul them, 38-17. So there. Dan?
Big Dan: Look,
it's Halloween. Oakland
has to win. At last their fans won't look out of place. It's their one day to
shine.
I'm curious. Do Raider fans even know it's Halloween?
Jacksonville (+3) over Tennessee
Did I miss a memo? Tennessee is 0-6 right? And the Jags are a respectable 3-3, right? Maurice Jones-Drew, Mike Sims-Walker, Torry Holt and David Garrard vs. who exactly? Chris Johnson? Ok. And? Word on the street is that Vince Young will be starting this game in place of struggling Kerry Collins. So, the 0-6 Titans are turning to Vince Young to salvage their season? I don't think so. And if I take the Jags, I'm getting three points? Sometimes, it just seems too easy. Jaguars. Jaguars. Jaguars. Jags roll over Vince Young and the Titans, 27-13. Dan Dan?
Big Dan: How bout Jacksonville?
Me: Uh, ok. how bout them?
Big Dan: I just like the way the word sounds. Jacksonvilllllle.
I dunno, it flows.
Me:So you're picking Jacksonville then?
Big Dan: Sure, I got no beef with Jacksonville.
And now for something completely....gay.
Arizona (-10.5) over Carolina
The Cards really impressed me last week, manhandling the Giants IN the Meadowlands. Now they return home to play host to the woeful Carolina Panthers. Huge spread - and one I'm usually not too comfortable taking when talking about a mercurial team like the Cardinals. But the Panthers have absolutely refused to play to their strengths this season - which is their running game. No, instead, they seem perfectly content to let Jake Delhomme throw 15 INT's a game. The result? A 2-4 mark capped by a disasterous 20-9 loss last week to the equally horrid Bills. IF I believed for one second that the Panthers would play a grind-it-out ball control style game, I might be inclined to pick them to cover. But since I think they're just stupid enough to engage in a shoot-out with the Cards, I'm going with Arizona, 42-21. Dan?
Big Dan: Arizona. Carolina
will not be able to resist wasting all their energy at all night coke-fueled
orgies in the decadent reaches of downtown Phoenix. It's insanity over there. Or so I
like to think.
Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!
Giants (-1) over Philadelphia
This is basically a pick'em game as the G-Men travel to Philly to take on Donovan McNabb and friends. I'm taking the Giants based on the entirely unscientific notion that I don't think they'll lose three straight games. I mean, they're not that bad, right? Get blown out in New Orleans. Get the snot beat out of them by the Cardinals. At home, no less. Now, back on the road to Philly to face the Eagles - who could be without back Brian Westbrook, suffering from a concussion. I just don't see the Giants taking it on the chin three straight weeks. And since it's a 1 point spread, it's basically "Pick the Winner" - unless you think it's going to be a 1 point Giant win...which I don't. Anyway, Eli and the boys right the ship and send the Eagles down to 4-3. Giants 23 Eagles 13. Dan-o?
Big Dan: Giants...I don't want to
risk even whispering that any team from Philly wins anything this week.
Worst. Costume. Ever.
Monday Night
New Orleans (-10) over Atlanta
I like the Falcons. I really do. But I had to ask myself this question. if the Falcons couldn't stop Tony Romo to Miles Austin, how in the HELL are they going to stop Drew Brees to Marques Colston (not to mention Robert Meachem, Devrey Henderson, Lance Moore, Jeremy Shockey and Reggie Bush) ??? The answer is, simply, they're not. They won't. They can't. They're not good enough. I do think this will be a high scoring game, as the Saints gave up 34 points last week to the Dolphins. I'm of the opinion the Saints D isn't that great - but it is very opportunistic, and I can see them picking off Matt Ryan a few times on Sunday and even returning one to the house. But on offense, MAN are the Saints explosive. Miami had them on the ropes last week, and still the Saints pounded back. And still they scored over 40. I think they'll hit 40 again this week too. Look for a late cover by the Saints as they take down the Falcons 44-31. D-funky-fresh?
Big Dan: New
Orleans ... because, yes, it is Halloween, but it's
also All Saints Day this weekend. How can they lose?!
Gpposon2: that's
very...uh...christian of you
Elendil: Look, I'm not the one who named the friggin't
team.
Words fail me.
Alright! We've reached the end once more, of this magical mystery tour through the NFL. These have been the Week 8 picks and I thank you for joining us as we go through them. We laughed, we cried, a small part of us died. And now, to make us forget the shattered remains of our fading dreams, half-naked, PG-13 CHEERLEADERS!
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