Pictured: My editor when told he'd have to write some articles.
I thought it'd be best if I came back a little early. Stemkovsky was threatening to suffer a brain hemmorage pulling double-duty as editor-in-chief and spin writer. And for the record Stemko, it was a Mexican flophouse, not a prison.
I needed a kidney.
Mine are floating in the bottom of the South Sea as shark excrement. But I digress.
My buddies from the 'flophouse.'
So, now let's move on to Week 7 in the NFL! Again, here is where I give you my expert analysis and fail miserably, while my socially curious brother, Big Dan, rolls through his rambling discourse on life, making random NFL picks along the way, and does pretty much as well as I do. All this, just to prove: You cannot successfully gamble on football.
Now, remember, gambling isn't legal in the US, except in Las Vegas, which is why Stemkovsky has me telecommuting to you from a leaky catamaran off the coast of the Galapagos islands. And I will just keep telling myself that those sharks are more afraid of me than I am of them.
Yes, I'm quite certain he's terrified of me.
Anyway, last week, I finally had a good week, running up a 9-5 mark - and it would have been 10-4 if the Steelers had freaking covered...giving 14, they won 27-14. What the hell is that? Ugh...double-digit covers are so brutal. Big Dan however, also had a good week, going 8-6, including a completely unfathomable upset special pick, taking the Raiders to beat the Eagles. Who did that, besides him and several meth addicts in North Vegas, I wonder? So, I picked up a game on him. He'll try to get it back - and then some - this week.
Let's look at the standings after 6 weeks:
W L GB
Me 52 38 -
Big Dan 50 40 2
Big Dan, by the way, would like you all to know that Reagan didn't know about the Iranians, there is a secret to George Bush's appeal and Jello is not necessarily evil. Big Dan, by the way, thinks that the Superbowl is that extra big bowl he uses to hold his Honeycombs.
Big Dan, in all his glory.
And without further ado, let's move on to the week 7 picks in the N F L....
San Diego (-5) over Kansas City
San Diego has been predictably disappointing this year, but the 2-3 Chargers are leaps and bounds better than the woeful 1-5 Chiefs. Man, there are a lot of bad teams in the NFL this year. The Chiefs are just one of a legion of crap. The Legion of Crap, by the way, was a lesser known foe of the Justice League. They only appeared once during the ill advised eleventh season. The one where the space monkey gleek contracted African rabies and had to be put down. Anyway, Ladanian Tomlinson looked a little fiestier last week than I've seen him all year and I think he finally puts the biscuit in the endzone here in Week 7. Twice. (I love mixing sports metaphors.) Chargers roll over the Chiefs, 24-10. Big Dan?
Big Dan: See, last time it was "Chiefs" vs. "Redskins." This time it's "Chiefs" vs. "Chargers." That harsh CH sound. These fellows seem equally matched, but I'll go with theChargers. They sound more violent.
Violence = Charger win.
Indianapolis (-13.5) over St. Louis
I say this every week, but...Holy Crap is St. Louis bad! The 5-0 Colts vs. the 0-6 Rams? And I'm only giving 13 1/2? That's a gift folks. The Rams could lose this game by 30. In fact, I think they will lose by 30. Why, you ask? I will tell you. The Rams are averaging 9 points a game. NINE. The Colts are averaging just a tad more. In fact, I think Matt Stover (kicking in place of the injured Adam Viniatieri) will outscore the Rams by himself. Don't let the big spread scare you. In context, it's not all that big. I mean, don't you think the Colts will beat the Rams by at least two TDs? You do? I knew you did! Colts roll, 42-13. Big D?
Big Dan: This is what it's all about: ungulate against ungulate. (An ungulate is a hoofed mammal.) Still, I have to go with the Colts, because the Rams being from a non-mountainous state makes no sense. If they were from Colorado they'd win all the time.
Week 7 picks brought to you by Ralph, the Wonder Llama.
Cincinnati (-1.5) over Chicago
I really almost took the Bears in this game. The Bears (3-2) are coming in to Cincy still smarting from their loss last week to the Falcons. And I really thought that picking them, getting a point and a half, was a no-brainer. But then I actually used my brain. This is a tough road game for the Bears. The Bengals, at 4-2, have already beaten the Ravens and Steelers. So beating the Bears shouldn't be that daunting a task for them. And this game has Cedric Benson's revenge written all over it. Give that point and a half and watch Sir Cedric steamroll his old team. Cincy goes to a shocking 5-2 mark with a 17-13 win and Cedric goes for 120 and a TD. Dan-o?
Big Dan: Bears versus Bengals! A lot of alliteration this week. I'll go with the Bears. Bears versus tigers would be a great Roman gladiatorial matchup, wouldn't it? I bet they even did it, too.
Blame the Romans. They did everything first.
Green Bay (-7.5) over Cleveland
I'm quite sure I don't get this spread. What's with the 1/2 a point? Does Vegas really think the Packers will only win by 7 and the Browns will get a back door cover? It's got to be just to entice delusional Brown fans. Can a Brown fan be delusional though? I mean, you traded away Braylon Edwards. You're still relying on Jamal Lewis as your #1 back, and your head coach is Eric Mangenius. How delusional can you be? Do they think they'll win 4 games this year? I guess that's pretty delusional since it's about double what they'll actually win. Also, reports out of Cleveland say that H1N1 has devastated the Browns, killing more the 99.75 percent of the team. Oops. I mixed up the Browns with the Stand. It didn't kill them. It just made them feel really really really oogy. Anyway, they're all suffering from the flu. So, my formula for this game is Packers+Browns+flu=Packer blowout. Back the Pack: 27-7. Dan?
Big Dan: See, we go from a team with great visual appeal to "packers" against "browns." No sense of aesthetics. Ugh. Browns. Might as well throw a bone to the Ohioans out there.
Eric Mangini preps for this Sunday's game.
Pittsburgh (-4) over Minnesota
Not a bad little matchup here. The undefeated Minnesota Vikings (6-0), featuring Brett Favre, soldier into Pittsburgh to face the defending Superbowl champion Steelers (4-2). Look, I just cannot buy into the 'undefeated' Vikings. They are a missed field goal and a miracle Favre TD hail mary away from being 4-2. And I hear that one of the Vikings best defenders, Antoine Winfield is probably going to miss this game. That should significantly open things up in the secondary for Big Ben Roethlisberger...and look for him to exploit that to get the ball deep to Hines Ward and Santonio Holmes. Yes, I said Big Ben was going to get his balls deep. Giggity. I don't love the Steelers giving 4, but they're at home and I think the Vikes are due for a loss. Steelers eke out a win, 22-17. Dan-o-chevitz?
Big Dan: This I like! This is a game for a man's man. I can almost hear the clash of metal on metal and the scent of blood in the air. But I have to go with the Steelers, because Vikings were Iron Age at best, and we all remember what happened when the Hittites used their iron weaponry against bronze, do we not?
Me: uhm...no?
Big Dan: Feh, and you think I'M ignorant.
I believe the Hittites were killed by a Balrog.
New England (-14.5) over Tampa Bay
At first I thought this was a home game for the Patriots. Then I realized it said "England" not "NEW England." Oops. My bad. (Actually it said London, but hey, allow me to exaggerate the truth from time to time.) I don't get the NFL's desire to 'expand' the game to Europe. Is the NFL really going to put a team in London? Or France? Germany? The Berlin Kegmeisters? Really? I think prior to the invention of teleportation, expanding to Europe is just going to be too onerous on NFL players, travel-wise. But, hey, what do I know? Maybe Goodell has invented teleportation. Can't wait to see Goodel-fly terrorize the league...but again I digress. Isn't there a game being played? Well, technically yes. But it's the 4-2 Pats coming off a 59-0 shellacking of the Titans v. the woe begone 0-6 Buccaneers. Not..uh..exactly showing our best product to the Limeys, are we Roger? I mean, is this British crowd that cares primarily about soccer, cricket, crumpets and quidditch, really going to give a rats-behind about a 45-0 whitewash by the Patriots over the Bucs? And, by the way, are the Patriots really the best team to send to England? I mean, isn't that like a slap in the face to the British? What's next? Sending an expansion team named the Slavedrivers to play in Liberia? Anyway, the less said about this game, the better. Bucs coach Radio Raheem said it best:
"I'm sure Bill Belichek is licking his chops and he should be."
Way to show some confidence in your team, coach. Pats wipe out the Bucs, 45-0. Dan?
Big Dan: Tampa Bay. Having a team called NEW England smack in the middle of London seems to me like the height of hubris, doncha think?
I'm pretty sure this is how Roger Goodell remembers the American Revolution.
Houston (-3) over San Francisco
A mega-battle vs. two also-rans in the NFL. Yes, both teams are .500 or better. The Texans are 3-3 while the Niners are 3-2. But really...do you think either team will make any noise at all in the post-season? I think the winner of this game - and maybe even the loser - still has a shot at the playoffs, sure. But both smell like a wild-card round loser, assuming they were to even make it. That being said, there's definitely some intrigue in this game, as the Niners welcome back all-world RB Frank Gore, returning from injury. And, rumor has it that season long hold-out, and recently signed wide receiver, Michael Crabtree is actually going to start this game. Not just play...but start. Now that, my friends, is a statement. I'm not sure it's a good one. But it is a statement. But Houston's defense has been playing much better of late, and I'm just not convinced the Niners have any answer for Andre Johnson. I think Schaub and Johnson show the kids (Hill and Crabtree) how it's done. Texans win in Houston, 28-20. Mac-Danny?
Big Dan: San Francisco.
Me: Any particular reason?
Big Dan: I was looking around my room for inspiration and saw my Dirty Harry DVD. So, yeah, San Fran.
Do you feel lucky?
Oakland (+6) over the Jets
Talk about your battle of Titans. The New York Jets baptism by fire of QB Mark Sanchez ("The Sanchise!") continues as they go to Oakland to take on the inept Raiders and their horrific QB, Jamarcus Russell. Mark Sanchez's QB rating coming into the game is 56.7, good for 3rd worst in the NFL. Jamarcus's rating is an equally hilarious 51.0, 2nd worst in the NFL. (The worst, by the way, is Derek Anderson, who's 41.7 rating shows that for a quarterback, he makes a fantastic prop comic.) So, Sanchez v. Russell...battle of titans. Feel the excitement! I was actually leaning toward the Jets in this game until I did a little research. Now, I'm not one for historical trends, usually...but the Jets are 2-12-1 in their last 15 road games in Oakland, and last year, the Jets lost all FOUR west coast games, getting outscored 101-59 in the process. To me, that adds up to a Jet loss. And since I'm getting six points, I am BREAKING MY CARDINAL RULE, and taking Oakland to win, 13-10. May the Lord have mercy on my soul. D-Mac-funky-do?
Big Dan: Oakland is the team you told me was a league-wide laughingstock last time, right?
Me: They are.
Big Dan: But they won, right?
Me: Well yes, they beat the eagles last week.
Big Dan: Well I'm picking the Jets. We know they hate cripples, so I'm sure they won't blanch at being ruthless jerks to the league laughingstock. I bet they'd step on a Downs syndrome kid's head.
Raider Karma. I love it.
Carolina (-7) over Buffalo
Ryan Fitzpatrick meet Julius Peppers. I think that's all this game comes down to. The Bills offense isn't very good when starter Trent Edwards is helming it. And he's sitting this one out with an injury. Ryan Fitzpatrick is no Trent Edwards. And I think I just imploded a small galaxy with that statement. At any rate, despite the atrocious Jake Delhomme at QB and despite Steve "I am no longer an asset to this team" Smith at WR, I think the Panthers not only win, but cover easily, as DeAngelo Williams and Jon Stewart bowl through the porous Bill run defense like a couple of jacked up Bulls in a china shop. A very small china shop. So, like, you know there'll be lots of damage. Panthers cruise, 23-3. D-man?
Big Dan: Buffalo ... I have a buddy who's a Buffalo fan. He's had a rough week.
Me: Why?
Big Dan: He's from Buffalo. Isn't that enough?
It's tough being a Bills fan. Or just being from Buffalo apparently.
Miami (+6.5) over New Orleans
This is a trap game. The Saints are 5-0 while the Dolphins are a mediocre 2-3. The Saints are coming off an impressive dismantling of the New York football Giants, while the 'Fins are coming off a bye. Prior to the bye, however, the 'Fins gave the Jets fits with their wildcat attack. Now, the Saints ain't the Jets. In fact, they are the odds-on favorite to go to the Superbowl for the NFC. But I don't see the Saints going 16-0, and boy, this game is a shining beacon screaming, "Trap Game!" Despite my misgivings though, I have a hard time seeing the Saints losing this game. Drew Brees is 13-2 with 1400 yards passing over his first five games and frankly, he's been flat out amazing - as has pretty much the entire Saint team, offense and defense. So, when I say to you, "This is a trap game," I am not picking the Dolphins because I think they are even remotely close in talent to the Saints - they're not. I think the Saints go 13-3, 14-2 this year. But I am calling this game as one of the two or three that they lose. 'Fins catch the Saints napping, 21-20. Dan-o?
Big Dan: New Orleans. Steve came to my school this week to talk about cops on the witness stand. He took pains to wear a Saints sweatshirt just to twist the knife in all the Giants fans. You should have seen the looks he was getting in the cafeteria.
(Note: "Steve" is my other brother, a proud member of the NYPD.)
When I googled "Saints over Giants", this was the first pic that came up. So i just went with it.
Atlanta (+4) over Dallas
Boy am I sure glad Dallas traded a 1, a 3 and a 6 for Roy freakin' Williams. They also gave him $9 million dollars. Since the trade he's caught 30 balls...2 of the for TDs. I think Miles Austin caught 30 balls two weeks ago vs. the Chiefs for 250 yards and 3 TDs. (Ok, he caught 10, but the other numbers are right.) Great move, Jerry. Anyway, what this really boils down to is that I simply feel the Falcons are better than Dallas. They both have suspect defenses, but Matt Ryan is better than Romo, Roddy White is better than Roy Williams (but maybe not Miles Austin - though I guarantee you he does nothing this game. Four catches for 60 yards. Watch and see.); Tony Gonzalez is probably a notch better than Jason Witten and the Falcon running game is probably on par with the Cowboys. So, it should be a close game. But since the Falcons are getting 4, and I think the Falcons will win this game outright, I'm taking the Falcons. Atlanta prevails in a shoot-out, 37-33. Dan the Man?
Big Dan: Another chance to watch someone smash that ridiculous tv screen. I guess Dallas. They have the better merchandise.
Uhm...better merchandise?
The Giants (-7) over Arizona
This is one pissed off Giant team that plays host to the Cardinals in the Meadowlands. You can believe that Tom Coughlin will have a lit a tremendous fire under his defense after they were lit up by Drew Brees last week to the tune of 493 total yards allowed. I've read some analysts saying the Saints exposed the Giant defense and Kurt Warner must be excited about the prospect of facing them. Uhm. Yeah. Right. Go ask Kurt Warner how he's feeling right now about facing that Giant pass rush. While Drew Brees isn't known as a mobile QB, he looks like Mercury next to the statue-like Kurt Warner. I see a fired up and ticked off Giant defense teeing off on Warner all game. And while I think the Cards will move the ball through the air - they'll have to since their running game has no prayer of moving it against the Giant run D - I don't think the Cards will be able to score enough to keep this game close. Look for Warner to be sacked several times, resulting in a couple of key fumbles. And don't forget the last time the Cards played a serious contender this year, they got waxed 31-10 by the Colts. The G-Men crush Warner and the Cards, 34-17. Dan?
Big Dan: Giants. I have a feeling they're mad and stomping a bunch of Arizona golden agers should do it. I mean think of what Arizona is full of: old folks and people with TB. And meth-heads, according to stuff on Tru TV. Giants all the way.
Just your run-of-the-mill Arizonian.
Monday Night
Philadelphia (-7) over Washington
So, Philly is 3-2 and coming off an embarrassing loss to the Oakland Raiders, while the Redskins, at 2-4, are just simply embarrassing. And have you seen this? Have you heard about this? Jim Zorn has been stripped of his play calling in favor of newly un-retired guru Sherm Lewis. Ahh the Redskins...putting the FUN in dysfunctional. I can see this playing out like a scene from "The Rock", where Zorn is holding a gun to Jason Campbell's head and telling him to run the play he called, while Sherm Lewis is standing there with a gun on Zorn telling him NOT to run that play. "Run that play soldier!" "Sir I cannot run that play!" "Run that play!" "Sir I cannot run that play!" "You picked the wrong coach son, now RUN THAT GOD DAMNED PLAY!" Ahhh, that's fun. Anyway, if you think the Redskins have a prayer in this game, you're definitely not a Redskin fan. I've never seen a fanbase quit on it's team as fast as the 2009 Redskin fans have quit on this team. They're basically rooting for ten straight losses, the number 1 pick, Jim Zorn getting fired, and either Bill Cowher or Mike Shanahan taking Dan Snider's millions to come in and fail like all the others before them. Let's ask Stemkovsky. He's a Redskin fan. Stemko! How you feel 'bout dem Redskins?
Stemko?
See? Fun!
Eagles 26 Redskins 14. Big Dan?
Big Dan: I say Philly ... it's a dog-eat-dog town in DC. Get it?
Me: I get it.
Big Dan: Oh don't act all superior.
It's a dog-eat-dog world and I'm wearing milk bone underwear.
Alrighty! Week 7 is in the books, the picks are in and Big Dan is looking to make up the two games and take the lead from me. And as we've seen, this is the NFL - anything can happen! Where the games are wild, the coaches are crazy and the cheerleaders are...
