MASCOT MADNESS or I May Be Fat, but Your Sister's Dating a Mascot
by Matt Minucci
The worst NFL mascots. Ever.
So, I'm in a silly mood today and I wanted to share that mood with you all. I was watching the Cowboy game on Sunday and checked out the Monday night games and for some reason, I just happened to focus on the mascots when they got their (limited) airtime. Boy are they dumb! I mean, seriously, it's the NFL. Why the need for this soft, puffy costumed morons? I just don't get it. But when I looked around the league, there was just a staggering number of absolutely ridiculous mascots. I gathered together a crack squad of internet commandos, and after first hacking Stemkovsky's account and slashing his credit rating, I collected all the info on the worst mascots in the NFL. Enjoy!
10. TD!, Miami Dolphins
How can he sign autographs with no hands?
It's a Dolphin, so, I guess props for getting the mascot to jive with the team name. But, first of all, the Dolphin has no hands. Just flippers. Plus his eyes are on either side of his head, so how he can see, I have no idea.
But this is just taking goofy to new levels. I mean, I think that's a Yangtze River Dolphin, except they're all dead. So, the 'Fins mascot is an extinct aquatic mammal with no hands, feet or peripheral vision.
Look, I realize this doesn't seem as ridiculous as some of the other guys on this list, but just stare at that picture for a few minutes, watch as his eyes never follow you anywhere, stare into his cold dead face. It's just so god damn goofy. Moving on...
9. Gumbo the Dog, New Orleans Saints
GUMBO was a gift to the New Orleans Saints from the Louisiana Restaurant Association. That's right. A bunch of restaurant owners invented a dog (a saint Bernard, naturally) named "gumbo" to help the Saints hock their lousy food.
As mascots go, Gumbo is pretty sad. He's got no weapons, like a spear or six-shooter. Just a big, wagging tongue. Gumbo used to be a real St. Bernard, but due to some obvious sideline cleanup problems, they switched to some sort of guy in a goofy suit.
And heeeeeerrrrreees Gumbo!
I can just picture this guy cruising around the French Quarter on a wild Friday night. Viva Mardi Gras! And if you want to be the life of the party, you can get Gumbo to appear at your next football party. Here ya go, enjoy!
The Barrel Man (real name Tim McKernan) is a superfan of the Denver Broncos. He attends all Broncos home games wearing nothing but a barrel. And a hat. And maybe a bib.
Ow. My eyes.
Barrel Man first appeared at Bronco games in 1977 after his brother bet him he didn't have the guts to show up at the game in nothing but a barrel and a hat. Showing the entire world that he wasn't going to let common decency stand in the way of winning a bet, Barrel Man showed off his orange barrel and everything underneath to a raucous 70's Bronco crowd. BM, thinking it was his semi-naked obese presence that fueled the Broncos to victory, avowed to attended every game from then on with only his barrel and no modesty. And he did. For 30 years. In all sorts of weather. Rain or shine, Barrel Man let it all hang out...er..in...the Barrel. That's dedication for you. Surprisingly, Barrel Man suffered a massive aneurysm in 1997, which, considering his fine physical conditioning, came as a shock to all Bronco fans. Afterwords, BM was forced into retirement. But he didn't go before every single member of the Superbowl champion 1997 Broncos signed his barrel. No word on whether he was still wearing the barrel when they signed it. Presumably he was.
7. Ramster, St. Louis Rams
Baxter the Ramster goes down in history as the only team mascot conceived of and created entirely by a meth addict.
David Lee Roth, designer of Ramster.
Near as I can figure, back in 1999, a hamster named Baxter showed up at what essentially amounted to a welfare hotel for abandoned pets in some St. Louis ghetto. What made Baxter unique, however, was that he had a home-made St. Louis Rams helmet permanently affixed to his head. I am not kidding. Coincidentally....or maybe no so much...the Rams were in the midst of an improbable Superbowl run. When news of this hilarious bit of meth induced animal cruelty hit the local papers, fans and players alike adopted the mutilated hamster as a mascot for their team. Cause, y'know, nothing strikes fear in the hearts of your foes like an adorable hamster in a Rams hat. Also, the St. Louis footballers are called the "Rams" so, y'know, having a hamster as a mascot makes total sense. If you're on Meth. Which, I'm assuming, 97% of everyone in St. Louis is.
Standard currency in St. Louis.
If you would like to share in the joyous world that is Baxter the wonder Ramster, you can! Just shell out $32.95 (meth is expensive) to a bunch of meth addicts and you can be the proud owner of a cheap looking immitation Ramster hat. Or something.
Or, for you enterprising tweakers out there, you can buy a hamster from $2.99 at PetCo and make your own Rams hat and presto! You too can have a Ramster. Uhm, and probably be charged for animal cruelty.
Without further ado, you know him, you love him - Baxter the Ramster!
What keeps the hat on? Crazy glue.
6. T-Rac, Tennessee Titans
Death to our enemies! And 4th string quarterbacks!
According to his page on the Titans web site, T-Rac (who was named after Tennessee's official state wild animal) lists drag racing in his motorized chariot as one of his hobbies. And his favorite saying is listed as, "I didn't do it!"
This is interesting because in 2006, T-Rac was engaging in his hobby - drag racing - on the Titans field. While the Titans were stretching. Hilarity ensued when the golf cart driven by T-Rac hit Saints QB Adrian McPherson. McPherson had to be placed on injured reserve and on September 2nd, McPherson was released by the Saints, ending his NFL career. Christ almighty T-Rac if your gonna do that, couldn't you at least hit Drew Brees?
Not the guy T-Rac ran over.
But it's even funnier than that. McPherson is suing the Titans and T-Rac for twenty million dollars. God I love this country.
T-Rac’s dream was to live and play in the Coliseum. His dream almost didn’t come true when he was run over by the Titans Bus saving his sister while he was on his way to the first ever scrimmage at the Coliseum. The burly T-Rac escaped with only a broken claw and a smooshed fluffy tail.
The Titans own website is advocating running over the raccoon because, after all, what else are raccoons good for than roadkill flapjacks? Never mind the fact that a team called the Titans didn't pick like, Atlas or Prometheus or even Zeus as their mascot. No, they picked a raccoon. Makes sense.
5. Boltman - San Diego Chargers
Good Lord. Where to begin? Uhm...well...first let's take a look at Boltman, shall we?
And now I'm gay.
Wow. Well, on the plus side, the NFL managed to promote both steroids and homoeroticism for the children of San Diego (not that there's anything wrong with that...).
I don't know who designed this Chargers mascot outfit, but they've got issues..because, man, there's nothing sexier than a yellow and blue lightning bolt who's clearly been doing enough steroids to choke Secretariat.
I really don't have much more to add at this point. I just keep getting drawn back to that image above...seared into my brain for all eternity. Actually, there were numerous complaints about the original Boltman from above, so he...it...whatever...changed it's look. To this:
Heeereeee's Boltman!
And somewhere, Jack Nicholson's lawyers are preparing a lengthy lawsuit.
4. Rowdy, Dallas Cowboys
Rowdy. Portrait of a serial killer.
Kudos to Jerry Jones for conceiving of the only mascot on the list that I think might one day be a serial killer. If he isn't one already. Look into his dead eyes. His insane grin. The expression on his face yields no hope. No hope at all.
Rowdy has gotten into all sorts of trouble already. After Rowdy and Terrell Owens chestbumped each other after an Owens touchdown on Monday Night Football in Week 2 last year, the NFL spies shifted Rowdy out of the spotlight.
Now, he's barely seen on Sundays. He's allowed to hang out on the field and interact with players and fans prior to kickoff, but once that first whistle blows, he serves his sentence in the locker room. Oh, and when I say that "NFL spies" put Rowdy under scrutiny, I really mean that it was Jerry Jones who ultimately carried out the punishment. That plastic-faced bastard.
Some uptight NFL dudes got their britches in a bunch about prearranged celebrations involving mascots and threatened to slap the Cowboys with a five-figure fine. Jerry Jones, who had some trust issues with Rowdy during training camp, eventually decided that it'd be in the Cowboys' best interests to minimize the mascot's exposure during games.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I hope all of you realize how truly absurd and ridiculous this situation is. The man who added PacMan Jones to a roster that already included Terrell Owens, Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson has "trust issues" with the team mascot, Rowdy. The man who added a diva wide receiver from the Lions mid-season has trust issues with a man (or woman) who wears a foam face and hat.
Jerry Jones without his makeup.
But don't feel bad for ol' Rowdy. I hear his side business is boomin'.
Cause no one says love like Rowdy says love!
3. Sourdough Sam, San Francisco 49ers
San Fran mascot Soughdough Sam and his longtime companion.
He was born a "Long Time Ago" in "Dem Dare Hills," but like all good larger-than-life golddiggers, he eventually moved to "Dem Thar Hills."
He likes eating garlic fries, which I'd imagine clashes with his other hobby, hanging with cheerleaders. He's a five-time Pro Bowl mascot and has been featured on a plethora of TV programs. His name is alliterative, and while he's not quite a baker, it implies that he could pinch off a loaf or two when asked
Sourdough Sam is a mascot for the NFL's San Francisco 49ers. According to his official biography, he has six nicknames: Sam, Sammy, Samster, Sammiester, Samarama, and Samalamadingdong.
Ding dong, man, ding dong.
It should be noted that just prior to the 2006 NFL Season, Sam's appearance was altered somewhat. He used to appear as a character with a scruffy brown beard, brown eyes, and a wide-brimmed ten-gallon hat with a chunk taken out of its brim.
He now appears as...well...this:
I'm super! Thanks for asking!
Words fail me.
2. Ragnar, Minnesota Vikings
The Minnesota Vikings have, predictably, a Viking as their mascot. Doesn't sound too bad, right? I mean...a Viking! A brute! Pillaging and burning and all that. When I think of Ragnar, this is what I picture:
I am Ragnar! Destroyer of worlds! Fear me!
Sadly, this was how the Vikings actually picture Ragnar:
what, me worry?
Ragnar actually has his own website:
http://www.ragnartheviking.com/about.html
As I read it, I realized that I couldn't do Ragnar justice, so I figured I'd let the Viking press briefing explain how Ragnar came into being:
As a junior in high school, Joe started experimenting with marijuana. The summer of his senior year in 1981, Joe turned 19. Since he was of drinking age and still in high school, this was a perfect combination for disaster. As Joe became dependent on alcohol, he began to have numerous encounters with the law. During his weekend alcohol binges, he met the "love of his life", Laurie Baxter. She also had a severe drinking problem, mixed with various drugs. Soon after high school graduation in 1981, Laurie and Joe went their separate ways. In 1986 Joe reunited with Laurie and noticed a drastic change in her lifestyle. She told him how difficult her life had become with drinking and drugs. She realized there were no other choices left for her but to make a total life change committed to God. At first he was disappointed in her change, but the stress of his family, business and a severe drinking problem eventually convinced him to give his life to the Lord also. In 1987 Joe married Laurie.
Two years later, she encouraged him to become Ragnar, the Viking with a heart of gold. Praise Jebus! Ok, I made that last line up.
The path to Ragnar.
1. Steely McBeam, Pittsburgh Steelers
The Pittsburgh Steelers. The Pittsburgh Steelers. They stand for might. They stand for strength. They stand for hard-working, old-fashioned, American blue-collar values. They stand for ... Steely McBeam!
So that's what Bill Cowher is doing these days...
Yes, the Steelers' new mascot is actually named Steely McBeam. They had a huge fan contest ... and that won. Which doesn't say a hell of a lot about the good people of Pittsburgh. Or maybe it does.
Among the many thoroughly retarded things about Fisty McBendover here is that there hasn't been an operating steel mill in the city since 1995.
However, Intel has an office in Pittsburgh, Google does as well, and Pitt has one of the country's top 10 med schools/research institutions.
They should have gone with Poindexter McSlicealot.
Poindexter McSlicealot.
Incidentally, one of the 'actors' hired to portray Steely was arrested last year for DUI and was subsequently fired. I guess, when people ask you what you do for a living and you have to tell them, "I'm steely mcbeam" you'd drink too. A lot.
I drink because it hurts so much.
Also, I looked up Steely McBeam in an online urban dictionary and apparently it has a certain...uh...vulgar meaning. Apparently, when a man gets intimate with a woman while wearing a hardhat and eating something from McDonalds, usually a Big Mac, that's called a Steely McBeam.
So, now Steeler fans can say, "Rothlisberger is in big trouble for giving that girl a steely mcbeam."
Steeler fans are so revolted by this that there's an online petition to try and force the Steelers to abandon this ridiculous mascot:
