So, I was recently reading a blurb in the news that a NASCAR driver, Jeremy Mayfield, tested positive for three different banned substances in violation of the sports PED policy. First, I had to wonder about the fact that NASCAR is actually considered a sport. I admit I'm not much of a NASCAR fan. I ascribe to the George Carlin theory that "riding the bus isn't a sport. Why the hell is driving a car a sport?"
Next on Speed TV: Non-stop bus action.
Ok, but let's allow that for the purposes of this article, driving a car is a sport. But what exactly does NASCAR consist of? Broken down to it's simplest, NASCAR is essentially driving a car around in a circle faster than the other guys (or girl if you're racing against Danica Patrick.)
Meet Danica Patrick. She drives cars. Among other things.
That's it. Driving in a circle at around 200mph. Over and over and over again. Not just 4 or 5 times either. I drive my Super Mario Kart around in an ellipse on my Wii 4 times and I'm ready to throw the controller through the cat. But NASCAR drivers have to drive their cars 175 mph in a circle 350 to 400 times in a row. Maybe they stop once or twice to change a tire or fill up on gas. That kind of repetitive behavior has GOT to be tough on you unless you're obsessive compulsive or Dustin Hoffman in Rainman.
I'm an excellent driver.
So, now I'm wondering, what exactly does a PED for NASCAR constitute? I mean, foot steroids don't make a whole hell of a lot of sense do they? It's gotta be easier to just wear weighted shoes. So, my thinking was, it's got to be something to keep you awake. Some sort of stimulant. So, what did Jeremy Mayfield test positive for? One, a double-dose of Claritin D. Ok, check, stimulant side-effects if you overdose. Two, the prescription drug Adderall XR. Check. Another stimulant. And Three....Crystal Meth.
Wait, what?
That's right. The drug the NASCAR chairman Brian France described as a "serious infraction" and "performance enhancing substance" was Crystal Meth. You know, Ice. Crank. White Crunch. Biznack. Blizzard. Cheeba. Crypto. Epod. Devil Dust. Jet Fuel. Jib. Ice. Moon Juice. Magic. Albino Poo. You get the idea. The dude is driving at over 180 mph in a circle, 350 times, while on Crystal Meth. That's just fantastic. I can't get enough of that. I wouldn't suspend this guy. I'd promote him! I mean, that is why we watch NASCAR right? We don't really care who drives in a circle faster. We want to see horrific slaughter and explosions!
Hillbilly crack
+
driving in a circle really fast...
=
TOTAL AWESOMENESS!
I would argue, this guy didn't do ENOUGH crystal meth. He finished the Richmond race in 31st place, completing only 371 of the race's 400 laps. I guess he ran out of meth. Either that or it was the fact he was driving a Toyota Camry instead of...y'know...a race car. I think my favorite part of this whole thing is seeing ESPN breakdown what Crystal Meth is. On their blue screen: Highly addictive stimulant. Usually smoked in glass pipes. As a stimulant it can improve energy, concentration and alertness. That's real informative. But the last time I checked you didn't get 10 years to LIFE for selling Claritin D or Adderall XR! Of course, now I have an image of Tony Stewart, Kyle Busch, Jimmie Johnson, Carl Edwards and Dale Earnhardt Jr. all sitting in a circle passing the crack pipe around before a big race. So, there's that.
All I am saying here is this: If you want to call the act of driving a car around in a circle 400 times at 200 mph a sport. And if, as a fan of the sport, you actually watch people do this in the hopes that you will see carnage unlike anything anyone has seen since the fire-bombing of Dresden, might as well add a little Crystal Meth to the mix. I mean, it's only gonna enhance everyone's enjoyment of this 'sport.'
Frank, I know we're high an' all...but I'm almost positive these aren't our cars.
And well, if nothing else, at least Jeremy Mayfield will be getting a whole new interesting set of groupies.
They tried to make me go to NASCAR baby and I said, "No no no!" Wait, there's crack there? Oh ok, I'm in.
